Monday, February 19, 2018

When it rains, it poor meeeees....

Last week was a barrel of suckage.  There wasn't anything that bad, especially compared to what other people go through, but it was plenty to send me over the edge!

Archer is experiencing some health issues.  My SUV failed inspection, requiring another appointment and lots of $$$.  Then my phone decided to screw up, and in an electronic conspiracy, so did my Garmin!  Despite all this, I stayed away from eating out of boredom or frustration or anger.  

Friday arrived and I got on the scale and weighed exactly the same.  How is this possible I asked while throwing a temper tantrum.  I immediately got the "fuck its" and proceeded to justify poor choices because "it clearly doesn't matter that I eat well!"

Have you seen that meme about not continuing the downhill slide comparing it to not intentionally popping your other 3 tires if you get one flat?  Well, to continue that metaphor, I not only shredded the other 3 tires, but I took a baseball bat and smashed the windshield and then continued the destruction by using a box cutter on the interior.

As an added bonus, yesterday was a holiday so I got a full long weekend to drag out my destruction.  

I sit here tonight angry and full of self-pity.  Why do I make these choices? And will I be shocked on Friday when the scale reflects my behavior??  

I'll get up tomorrow and try again.  I haven't run out of new days to try again - at least not yet!

On a more positive note, the weather wasn't great, but I was able to get a couple runs in with the dogs.  They have had cabin fever, and were thrilled to be outside and getting some fresh air and exercise!! 

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

Was it worth it?

That's the question I've been asking myself all week.  So I've been doing pretty well, eating wise, as I told you.  But this past weekend was the Superbowl.  I'm a person who actually loves the game - not just the commercials and/or the halftime show.  My hopes were high this year that Philly could smush the Pats who I HATE.

For me, good times call for food - naughty food.  Superbowl Sunday typically means lots and lots of pizza.  Marc and I eat pizza maybe 3 times a year and this is one of the occasions.

But I was conflicted this year - I asked myself if I really wanted to damage my momentum (and waistline) by indulging.  I decided yes and invented all kinds of ways to justify this choice.

Sunday morning I ran a full 13 miles on the treadmill.  As an aside, I watched the first 2 epiosdes from the FX show about the murder of Gianni Versace while running.  Highly recommended!  Darren Criss plays the serial killer Andrew Cunanan and he is fantastic in the role!! Anyway, I tried to delude myself into beliving that those miles would translate into a big enough deficit to offset the massive calories I would be eating.

Now the one small victory I can claim is that typically when I know I'm going to eat badly, I imagine the whole day is shot so why not just pig out the entire day.  I didn't do that.  And let's get real - pizza wouldn't be that big of deal if I could or would eat 1 or 2 pieces.  But when I eat pizza, I EAT PIZZA!  This time followed by S'mores Nachos for dessert.

I woke up Monday morning and felt a little nauseous - my body isn't used to that amount of grease.  I asked myself if it was worth it.  I then looked in the mirror and saw that I was terribly bloated.  I poked my stomach and it rippled like a waterbed - so gross.  Again I asked myself if it was worth it. 

It took until yesterday morning for the queasiness to go away.  I also haven't weighed myself this week because I didn't want to freak out or allow the numbers to give me an excuse to give up.

No, I'm back to eating well and exercising.  So again - was it worth it? I savored the pizza while watching a great game - nothing wrong with that, right? On the other hand, I claim to want to lose weight and be in control of my eating and after only a month, I found a reason to undo some progress.

So I don't have a satisfactory answer.  Maybe there isn't one - shades of grey....?

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

So long January!

This month has been so weird.  There's been some crap for sure - like the miserably terrible weather.  If I ever had doubts about moving away from this place it disappeared this month.  BTW we're kind of focused on Austin, Texas - any readers out there from Austin?

Anyway, between weighing in again, attempting to write this blog and focusing for more than - well 6 minutes - on eating right, I'm feeling.... different.  Things are changing.  Let's get real, it's been a whole month (big fat hairy deal) but I'm hoping that how I feel produces results and continues.

This being good during the week and relaxing on the weekend is working.  There is still the temptation during the week - I've stared longingly at cookies in meetings and peanut butter in my cabinets more than once - but it's easier to say no.  So far giving myself latitude on the weekend hasn't led my to go completely nuts.  And, guess what?  The negative self talk - how much I suck, what a fat loser I am - it's not gone but it's much quieter.

On the exercise front, how many times have I talked about how running every day is not healthy?  And all of a sudden I find myself here on January 31st having run 30 days this month - daily since the 4th.  For a total of 155 miles.  Now most of these miles were on the treadmill and slow - which might explain why I'm not in any pain or nursing an injury.  Combine these miles with the 300+ I did this month on the bike trainer and yet I'm not exhausted all the time.  In fact my energy level is great!

I'm even wondering if I could run another 1/2 marathon this year.  Between my weight gain and injuries, that seemed impossible which has been incredibly depressing and demoralizing.  We'll see what happens when (IF!!!) this fucking winter ever goes away and I can run outside consistently.  

Optimism??? Is that really you my old friend? It's been a long time.

If I can keep this up, 2018 might be a very good year!!

Monday, January 29, 2018

Rationalization or being rational?

When I decided to buckle down on myself a couple of weeks ago and make a renewed commitment to weight loss, in the midst of my behaviors that would no longer be tolerated, there was also the agreement with myself that the weekends would be much more relaxed.

Now the experts say that one cheat MEAL is enough.  Some people have a full cheat day.  But no where in the rule book does it say a cheat weekend is okay.  Except the book that I am writing.

Now first let me clarify what I mean by "cheat". It does not mean eating anything I want in the amount that I want.  It's not like I ate a gallon of ice cream, 12 oreos and washed it down with Mountain Dew!  

I did however eat a bagel slathered in peanut butter.  I also made brownies.  Skinny peanut butter brownies that contained no flour, used a sugar substitute of baking truvia, and the chocolate flvor came from cocoa powder.  Not as bad as real brownies, but probably not the star of clean eating, either.

I also exercised more as I usually do on the weekends.  But when I stepped on the scale this morning I told myself that at this rate, i should get back down to my goal weight when I'm roughly 58 years old!!

I keep asking myself what my goals are.  Let's be realistic I tell myself - I'm not trying to be a fitness model.  And while I'd like to be in the category I was a few years ago with my running - easily running under 8 minute miles and crushing races, I'm never going to be an elite athlete.

So if I decided to stop giving myself the weekends relatively free and was more self-discliplined, I would probably lose weight faster.  Which I absolutely needed to do 8 years ago when, at 344 pounds, I was in the red line danger zone.

I now fall into the category of 

Not sure what color that is...

But I do know that last night I didn't feel intimdated or depressed about getting back  to the "work week rules".  Time will tell if this strategy works both mentally and physically.  The scale was up today, we'll see what happens over the week.

So is this a rational plan or am I rationalizing eating like a pig??

Friday, January 26, 2018

The showdown

It has been 1 whole week since I finally stood on the scale.  And, of course, every day this week my weight as fluctuated up and down.  So when I stood in front of that heartless piece of equipment this morning, I glared at it and sent mental signals to it, letting it know that it better not mess me with me.

I had extremely stressful week.  Despite the challenges I stayed virtually 100% on plan.  It wasn't easy, I'll be honest.  Part of it I'm realizing is just complete habit - like the smoker grabbing a pack of smokes and lighting up first thing in the morning, I had gotten in the very bad habit of coming home and plowing through a bunch of food before I even changed out of my work clothes.

Which, if it was a snack of a handful of baby carrots wouldn't be so bad - but scooping out spoonful after spoonful of peanut butter and inhaling it doesn't exactly benefit a person in the weightloss battle.  

But some of it is learning that the reality again of just learning to live with hunger again.  To realize that I can feel hungry and that's not something that needs IMMEDIATE attention.  

But hunger is not, for me anyway, a pleasant feeling.  So yesterday afternoon, after eating a perfectly reasonable lunch but still feeling hungry, I had myself half convinced that it was perfectly acceptable to go in the break room, where some powdered donuts sat and to eat "only half" of a donut and that somehow would still be keeping to my promise to myself of sticking to plan.

When I managed to get out the door without having eaten any part of a donut, I arrived home and Fat Jen calmly explained to me that as a reward for having so much self contol, I was entitled to some peanut butter.


Back to this morning - standing in front of the scale - having spent 4 whole days sans peanut butter and having shunned the donuts, I demanded to be rewarded.

1 pound down.

At the exact time, I felt some satisfaction and some fury.  Yes, a pound down is a pound down.  But the other part of me screamed "Are you fucking kidding me? 1 measley ass pound??"

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

No I Won't Do That.

It wan't all that long ago when someone was talking to me about wanting to lose weight.  He had previously gotten some news from his doctor about how he was heading straight into major medical issues and a certain early death.  This had scared him briefly into eating right and attempting to exercise.  He had lost weight but began abandoning those healthy practices and had regained what he lost and, like so many do, put on even more.

This guy is relatively young, but is quite large and has a genetic history that sets him up for a pretty shitty prognosis.  His genetics he can't control, so the cards were stacked against him and being morbidly obese really puts a bullseye on him.

He shared with me that he knows that he knew he needed to lose weight but "I'm not going to eat like a damn rabbit the rest of my life!  I can't just sit around eating lettuce and carrots, you know?!"

"Well then," I said, "looks like you're going to stay fat!"

As soon as those words left my mouth I wanted to take them back.  Because I instantly realized how bitchy and judgemental that sounded.  And I truly didn't mean it that way.

I was projecting the anger I still have against myself onto this guy.  It took me 38 years to get my head out of my ass.  To realize that I was murdering myself one disgusting forkful at a time.

I had all kinds of conditions and excuses.  I wasn't giving up Mountain Dew, no way, after all that sweet nectar got me through college!  And sweets?  I deserved a dessert at night, right?  Exercise? No way was I going to run! Running is for idiots and besides, I have pulmonary stenosis that makes it harder for me to breathe when my heart rate soars than a regular person.

Poor me.  These were all the things I would not do to get healthy.  Funny, you never once heard me say what I would do.  That's because I was only willing to sit on my ass eating crap food waiting for doctors to discover an invention that allowed me to continue that behavior and get to a healthy weight.

But now I see it from the other side.  Yes, it took and continues to take tremendous efforts and sacrifice to not be obese.  But the payoff is so worth it.  Even with the stuggles I go through my life is so much better now.  And I have such regrets.  What if I had been a normal weight at age 18? Or 22 or 25 or 32???  How much more full my life would have been.

So I was frustrated with this guy, because every year that passes, every additional pound that he puts on - it gets harder and harder to take it off.  I want him to do it NOW to not wait until he starts really suffering serious physical health issues.

But I can't do this for him - and I can't insult or bully him into changing.  No one could do it to me years ago or now - when I know what I need to do and don't.

I can be an example.  I can help educate.  And hope that one day the light bulb turns on like mine did!!  He'll learn - rabbit food ain't so bad!!