Thursday, June 28, 2012

The question/comment that I HATE!

Since I started losing weight, I can't tell you how many absolutely STUPID questions and comments have been said to me and about me.  Recently - not to my face - it was commented that I am "obsessed" with exercise and losing weight and that I need an intervention.  I also had someone comment behind my back (to someone they clearly didn't know was close to me) that I am a liar, because "everyone knows" that it is IMPOSSIBLE to lose this much weight through diet and exercise and I MUST have had surgery and should just admit it.  

Most of these things don't bother me all that much.  If someone thinks I'm a liar, fine.  People who know me know the truth.  But there are 2 comments that absolutely drive me crazy.  In second place is this one:  "You must feel so much better, don't you?"  And in first place - it makes me cringe every time - is "You are a whole different person!"  I think people mean well when they say these things.

BUT I think they bother me so much because it makes an assumption that all fat people are sedentary, lazy, stupid, and completely unhealthy.  Now don't get me wrong - some fat people fit that description - as do some SKINNY people!!  But that is NOT true for many fat people.  I was active.  I was not dealing with a lot of health issues.  I walked the dogs and gardened and all kinds of things.  And guess what?  I am the SAME EFFING PERSON now that I was when I was fat.  Yes, my priorities are different and I made some hard choices and worked my ass off.  BUT it was in me all the time, or I wouldn't have been able to do it.

I know I AM healthier now.  And I have made changes.  BUT, I am me.  My intelligence, my personality - it's all the same.  I am just thinner now.  

I hope all this makes sense.  I would love to see some comments about what you guys think about this post!!  Please let me know!!

Monday, June 25, 2012

Things are different now...

I spent the last several days out of town with family.  Things are different now - being thin-ish.  I view things differently and I act different.  It was very noticeable spending time with people that I don't get to see nearly enough.  I'm more helpful.  Part of that is having more energy.  Another part is that I'm not worried that I'm constantly being judged.  I knew - KNEW - that before when I left a room people were talking about how heavy I was to one another.  It is a terrible feeling when you walk into a room and conversation stops and you know exactly what was being said.  This weekend was totally different.  I didn't have to worry about that.

I was more sociable with strangers.  Once again, that fear was gone that people would be judging me.  I went over and played volleyball with one of my cousins right next to where my other cousin was playing a frisbee game with a bunch of her teenage friends.  I wouldn't have done that before - to create in my head what the teenagers were thinking/saying about the fat girl playing volleyball - no freaking way!

That's not to say that the weekend was a complete success.  I still have difficulty moderating my food intake.  Even eating things that are good for me, I ate WAY too much.  And I am paying the price in spades today!  Severe acid indigestion and diarrhea.  Good times.  What I did realize is that because I so rarely allow myself ANY off plan eating, that when I do give myself permission, I go crazy.  It's like I have to cram a few months worth of treats into one or two days.  Not cool.  As I move closer to maintenance I'm going to have to learn to give myself treats once and a while so that I don't feel so deprived and feel like I have to stuff myself.

Ah well, as they say in AA it's an AFGO - Another Fucking Growth Opportunity. 

I am 100% back on plan today.  The scale is showing a HUGE gain, but most of that is from water retention.  It'll be later this week before I know the complete damage and continue to try to lose. 

Finally, congrats to my cousin Hayley for graduating high school!! 

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

This IS reality, right?

Haven't posted in a couple days.  Been working hard weeding the vegetable garden -  it is TERRIBLE this year for some reason!  I also ran my longest run ever on Sunday - 9 miles.  I was pretty excited!

So I was talking about this with Marc the other day and I don't know how to explain this without sounding crazy!  I guess part of this is just making the adjustment.  I've been through tremendous changes in the past 2 years and I've said before that my mind hasn't caught up to all these changes yet.

I realized on Sunday that I haven't accepted that the new me really IS the new ME!  It is as if I've been given a chance to experience someone else's life and it can suddenly be taken away.  Like when I put on a bikini - it's like it's not really how I really look, rather it's like it's my head temporarily on someone else's body.  Every time - and I mean EVERY TIME - I take a shower, I go to lift up the fat/skin on my stomach to wash under it.  Then I notice it's not there.  It's weird.

Today while running, I ran past some guys who were working on the underground lines in the City.  Every freaking one of them stopped working and just watched me run by.  It took me a minute to realize that they were probably checking me out - not making fun of me. 

And then there's the comments about me being tiny.  I don't really know how to respond to this.  Some people who knew me at my heaviest have been making that comment for months now - when I was a lot smaller then I used to be, but not "tiny" by any stretch of the imagination.  Now, I think that it is true - I am a small boned person and now the flesh matches the bones - so how the heck do I respond?

Anyway, the last few pounds that I want to lose are hanging on for dear life.  I really would like to shed them and begin practicing maintenance before fall hits when I want to start The New Rules of Weight Lifting for Women.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Motivation versus commitment

I get asked all the time how I stay motivated to exercise.  I tell people that it's not about motivation - it's about commitment.  I compare it to work.  I have a great job.  I am well paid and work in a comfortable office with lots of freedom to do my own thing.  Not to mention great benefits and a fantastic boss.  BUT - I HATE getting up in the morning to go to work.  I am NEVER motivated to go to work.  If I won the lottery, I would be out of here in a New York minute.  So I am not motivated to go to work, I am COMMITTED to go to work.  Why?  Because there is no other choice!  I can't just decide to not get up and go to work in the mornings.  I look at exercise the same way.  I don't give myself an option.  I work out during my lunch hour because I HAVE to.

There is, believe it or not, a certain freedom in this.  When you have a choice taken away from you and you just do it.  I have never gotten back from a run and thought "Damn, I wish I had never run and burned 500 calories today."  Nope.  I always feel great afterwards.  Or lifting weights - sometimes I hate lifting weights.  But afterwards, when my arms or legs are exhausted, I know that muscle is building.  And when I see myself in a sleeveless shirt and can see real muscle definition even with the loose skin - damn, that looks good!

Maybe someday I'll be the person that itches to go out for a run and get all sweaty and tired or can't wait to get my hands on weights and lift.  I'm not that person today, but I am a COMMITTED person.

Don't wait for your mind to give you the ok.  Our minds tend to talk us out of things, not into them.  Just do it!  I know it sucks.  Eating right and exercising is HARD.  Being fat is HARD.  Choose your HARD. 

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

8 weeks...

It was 8 weeks ago today that I went in for surgery.  In some ways it feels like ages ago, and in some ways I feel like it just happened.  My incision is pretty flat in most places.  It's not a constant annoyance any more, although I can still really feel it, especially after exercise.

As you can see, my belly button is still jacked up. 

Hopefully he'll be able to make it look better.  If not, I'm considering having it pierced so that the jewelry covers the worst of it.  I won't know anything until my next appointment at the end of July, so for now I have to live with it.

Here's a couple of 8 week pics - as you can see, I am totally not too skinny and can definitely stand to lose at least 5 more pounds...

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Ain't that a kick in the head...

Each exercise I do since surgery, I am interested to see if I can tell the difference without the huge flappy stomach.  For example, push-ups.  I can do push-ups much easier now because I don't have the skin and fat that just hung down to the floor. 

Today I did P90X Core Synergistics.  This is a DVD I've done dozens of times.  There are a couple of moves that I was curious to see if I could do better.   Towards the end there is a move called the steam engine.  You put your hands behind your head and do like a standing crunch where you twist your body and bring your right knee to your left elbow and then bring your  left knee to your right elbow.  I never really thought that the extra skin effected that move very much.  However when I got there today and started going really fast, I am so much more flexible and with nothing in the way, I kneed myself in the head - hard!  LOL  And then I did it a couple times more.  Every day is a new adventure for me now!

Ok, it's starting to happen.  Comments are being made to my face and behind my back that I'm losing "too much" weight.  My goal is to lose 5 more pounds and get to 119. That is solidly in the middle of a normal BMI.  I have lots of energy, my skin is healthy and my hair is full and thick.  I eat plenty - in fact, I probably consume more calories a day then most of you reading this.  It's just that when you work out as much as Marc and I do, you can afford some extra calories and still lose weight.  So please, feel free to voice concerns you have (preferably to my face), but don't worry about me.

I also will soon be entering maintenance and will have to start eating more and figuring out how many calories I need.  I want some cushion in case I gain while doing this.  Finally, if I do get "too low" I can always gain weight back.  It's not like if I lose x more pounds they are gone forever!

 Love you all for your concern!

Saturday, June 9, 2012

A fun evening out!

Tonight we went to a very fancy restaurant with some co-workers/family/friends.  My close friend/co-worker made the arrangements for my birthday.  It was a great time.  I was surprised at how many people showed up.  The food was wonderful - I had a array of seafood.  Even with cake at the end I wasn't up too many calories because seafood has such a low calorie count.  Yes, I am still worrying about calories.  I am trying to start thinking in maintenance mode, but I'm not quite there yet (neither mentally nor in actual weight!).  Anyway, I'm glad I am mostly out of my funk, because most of the cards were making fun of me turning 40!!

I'll show you guys the dress I wore - I was pretty happy with how I looked.  Plus, for those of you who know me, and know what a cheap-skate I am, I got this dress for $6.  Woo hoo!

Here's one of Marc and I right before we left.

 People at the party were so complimentary - if you were one of the people there, thanks again so much.  I still have a very hard time taking compliments, but there's a part of me that now thinks people are saying that I look good because there is some truth to it, not just because they feel obligated to make a positive comment.  

All I have to say is that I am a very lucky person and I need to remember this when I get in one of my moods - easier said then done, though!

Well, my birthDAY stretched into a birthWEEK celebration.  Back to reality tomorrow - have to get at least 5 more pounds off.  May try a run longer then 6 miles for the first time since surgery!

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Not enough hours in the day!

That's what I'm finding!  Between exercising and all I have to do, I just run out of time to get stuff done!  I make a list in my head every night of things I have to do and most of it I just run out of time and it continues on my list.  This healthier lifestyle does have it's drawbacks!

The good news today is that I appear to be coming out of my "I'm getting old" funk.  Thanks to everyone for your support.  Even if you are like Kris who commented that I look like I'm in my 20's.  Not quite, but I thank you for lying to me!  

For my birthday I bought myself a new, more sophisticated, GPS enabled heart rate monitor.  I used it for the first time today and ran 6 miles in 54:49.  I am running a 10K (6.2 miles) in September, and my goal is to finish in under 54 minutes.  That's a lot of time to take off between now and September, but I'm getting faster and stronger everyday, so maybe.  It's a goal anyway!

In surgery recovery notes, I'm still swelling quite a bit every time I exercise.  The incision is very tight when that happens.  I still can feel the incision all the time - it continues to feel like I'm wearing a rubber band.  But it's not painful, just annoying at times.  Next week I will be 8 weeks out and I'll post some updated pics for anyone who is interested. 

I'd like to lose at least 5 more pounds but I'll be interested to hear what you guys say about how much I should lose.  More?  Less?  Wait until you see the pics and you can let me know.

Monday, June 4, 2012

I'm 40 - WAHHHHH!

Well, I made it through the day yesterday - but I'm sorry, Deva -I'm still on the pity pot!  What everyone is saying to me is absolutely true - I'm in the best shape of my life, financially I'm doing well, I have a great home, great job, great husband, great dogs AND I STILL FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF.  It's not something I can control, guys.  I'm just in a terrible funk and it will take a while for me to get out of it.  

My co-worker arranged for a celebration dinner at a fancy restaurant this Saturday.  I'm hoping for a good turnout and hopefully will be out of my funk and can have a good time.  I have a dress that I bought that I have to say - it looks fantastic on me!   (That sounds so conceited, doesn't it??)  

Anyway, I'm getting back to the routine of exercising twice per day.  I tried Jillian Michael's Ripped in 30 at lunch today - it's a pretty good workout and I did start with Level 1.  I won't be doing that DVD daily like she wants you to, but it's definitely going in my rotation of things I do.  

If and when mother nature stops being such a bitch and turns up the heat, that will help my mood, too! 

Saturday, June 2, 2012

The good, the bad and the ugly...

I'll start with the bad.  I haven't been posting here because I am deeply and profoundly depressed about turning 40 tomorrow.  I mean, I am seriously messed up over it.  I feel like there is a black cloud just sitting over me.  I can't concentrate, I'm not sleeping right, I cried all the way home yesterday.  I know that with the surgery I have a new lease on life and I keep trying to tell myself this, but myself is not listening.  I have a TON of regrets about waiting until so late in my life to start getting healthy that I feel that it's almost too late for me.  This is probably compounded by the fact that my father died so young - at age 42.  I hope I get out of this funk, because I am absolutely miserable.

Ok, we can move on to better news.  I ran 5 miles on Thursday and 5.25 on Friday during my lunch hour.  Both days were about 65-70 degrees and Friday there was a light drizzle.  I have taken a turn in my running.  Both days I felt relaxed and calm and getting those miles in was actually easy.  Normally I have to push myself and convince myself to keep running, and then I feel good when it's over.  Both days I felt great DURING the run.  I've been running outside just over a year.
In another piece of good news, my flexibility is coming back.  I did P90X Stretch yesterday and I'm close to being back where I was pre-surgery.  And obviously, without the huge belly roll, I'm going to end up even more flexible on some of the moves.  Right now the hardest stretches are the ones where I reach over my head because the skin is still trying to stretch out from where it was pulled together.  It's uncomfortable, but it needs to be stretched anyway.
I'm really trying to get myself back on track, but I am not in a good space right now.
I am down another pound which puts me at a total of 220 pounds lost.