I got into an argument with my friend/co-worker yesterday. I have a client, you see, who has a girlfriend who is a bit of a health nut. She is extremely fit and attractive. She is 5' tall - just an inch shorter then me and she weighs around 100 pounds.
So this is what happens to me - I'll be cruising along, pretty happy with where I'm at and then I see someone like this. And I start calculating in my head. My weight has been up this week a little after this weekend's indulgences and I weighed in at 120 pounds yesterday morning. So I start thinking that she weighs 100 pounds - I am 20 freaking pounds heavier then her!
And that voice - that damned voice in my head - starts saying this "OMG - you weigh 20 pounds more then her! You are still so fucking fat! What the hell? You need to lose weight and NOW!"
I told my friend this and she got really mad at me. Neither of us know the background on this girl, but looking at her, she is really small framed and I'm betting that she always has been pretty trim - not taking anything away from her, because it's obvious that she works out and works hard on her body. But my friend is like "What is wrong with you? She's probably always been fit and that's where her body wants to be! Your body likes being around 120 - can't you just accept that?"
No, no I can't.
Will I ever get to the point where I just accept myself? I honestly don't know. My friend asked me what more I could do and pointed out all the sacrifices I have made and how healthy I eat. My response was "I do eat really well most of the time, but I clearly need to eat less of that healthy food!!" She was so frustrated at this point I thought she might storm out of my office.
So, where does this leave me? I don't know, but the voice that tells me that I suck is pretty strong this morning. And then I see this:
And you know, I have made a lot of sacrifices in this journey - and I guess it's something to be proud of. Today there is a big pizza party here at work - I will be running during the party and will come back and eat the healthy lunch I have packed. Will that drown the voice? Would getting down to 110 pounds drown the voice? And is it healthy to strive for that?