I am doing much better since my mini breakdown on Sunday. If you have never had a disability - and morbid obesity is a disability (we can argue about whether it is a self-induced disability, but it is a disability nevertheless) - you probably just can't understand where my anxiety comes from.
Just imagine for a minute having suffered for years from something debilitating. And then it is FIXED. You feel glorious, but there's always that fear that it could come back. You remember that movie Awakenings with Robin Williams? That was based on the true story of people in a catatonic state. This doctor came up with this medication that woke them up and made them fully functional again. But then the medication stops working and they revert to their catatonic state.
For me, the "cure" to my disability was a combination of dogged determination and drive. And that's where my perfectionism comes in. There is a constant fear that if I slip - even for a moment - that this whole fairy tale that I'm living will come crashing down and I'll suddenly be fat and unfit again.
Intellectually I recognize that this is not true. I took a month off exercising when I had my surgery and the world didn't come to a crashing halt. I did have some loss of fitness, but it wasn't that much, and it came back quickly. So certainly running 14 miles when I had planned on running 16 is not a tragedy.
And IF I gain some weight, I realize that I would just have to buckle down and get it off again. But I am an all or nothing thinker and to me, if I gain 5 pounds, that means that within just a few days I'll weigh over 300 pounds again.
It's scary and anxiety producing. But today is a MUCH better day. Marc and I took the dogs to the beach yesterday and we had a ball - the dogs swam and played and I sat on the beach with the warm wind and just was able to relax. I also got a TON of things done this weekend and have only one more major project to tackle this summer and I will be caught up to my goals.
I need to realize that I got here through hard work, not a magic wand. Sometimes I forget that. So if I was the one that made this happen, I get to control my destiny. No one except me can take this away right?