You would think that after losing Ezri I would be in sad mode today. But instead for the last 2 days I have been incredibly pissy and annoyed at everything. In psychology we often tell people that depression is anger turned inward. Well, I guess we won't have to worry about me getting depressed, because I am turning it all outward!!
So I am warning you. This post is going to be a bit ranty and pissy and will probably offend some people. You may not want to read on, because I am on a ROLL today... Most times I have so much empathy for other people who are struggling in this journey. I know the daily heartbreak. But other times, things just drive me nuts and I feel like bitching about it today.
How is life "supposed" to be? We get these ideas in our head and it totally fucks up our progress. I recently read a post from yet ANOTHER person lamenting about their loose skin and how they don't want to lose more weight if they are just going to be saggy and crappy looking. Ok, this just drives me NUTS. I HATED the extra skin that I had around the abdomen. It looked terrible and was even a functional problem. AND I hate the extra skin that I still have - I look HORRIBLE in shorter skirts because all that thigh skin just pools around my knees.
BUT - HOW DO YOU THINK YOU LOOK BEING INCREDIBLY FAT??!!??!! Worse. Much worse. At least loose skin can be gathered up and hidden in a lot of clothing. Your fat cannot. You cannot go back in time and NOT have been fat and caused the loose skin. So your choices now are to be fat and unhealthy OR have loose skin OR get surgery. If you can't have the surgery for some reason, then you are left with 2 - yes 2 choices. PERIOD. And if you think you are better off fat and unhealthy versus being a healthy weight with some droopiness? Then your priorities are completely fucked up.
The next bitch I have? People saying that other people are eating unhealthy and they are so tempted and they just can't stay away and "please help me!!" I never know how to respond to this. So, princess, you decided to change your life and eat healthy and THE REST OF THE WORLD didn't decide to follow. STOP THE PRESSES!
Believe it or not, the sun does not revolve around you. Just because YOU decided to change doesn't mean that everyone else is! You are going to face pizza and pie and candy and McDonald's. You either eat it or you don't, PERIOD. There is NO ONE who can infuse willpower into you. You make the choice to either eat something or you say no.
Just yesterday I was in our back room and there were donuts. A court attendant who is about 80 years old said that he was going to "hit the head" and then come back and have a donut. I said "You lucky bastard!" He started hysterically laughing and as others were also laughing I was like "You know how long it's been since I've had a fucking DONUT?!" And everyone is now rolling in laughter and he came over to me and put his arm around me and while laughing was also apologizing and saying he didn't mean to "rub it in". I said "Hey - don't apologize - it's MY issue not yours!" Why should this older guy not have a donut in front of me? I HAVE THE PROBLEM - not him.
Now, if we are talking about your husband bringing pizza to your house every night, we YOU have to decide if you want to be in a marriage with someone who chooses not to support you. BUT as far as others in the world? GET USED TO IT. I have been on this journey since early 2010 - almost 4 years - and EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I have to make choices between what Fat Jen wants to eat and what Thin Jen knows we should be eating.
EVERY DAY. And I expect this to go on until age 70. That is the age, you see, when I have decided I will eat whatever the fuck I want ;))))
Of course it's hard. And while we're on the topic of HARD what's with people wanting the easy way out when it comes to exercise? You want to get on the elliptical for 10 minutes and burn off 600 calories? Me too. Instead I run 7 miles to burn that amount off.
This is not easy - it is the reason so many people give up. I want to give up sometimes. That picture in your head - you know the one - where you lose 100 pounds and suddenly you have the PERFECT body and PERFECT life? It's NOT REAL. And if you insist in believing that fantasy you are in for crushing disappointment.
Today I am thankful that giving up is not an option.