So, almost 4 years into this journey and 1.5 years into maintenance I am facing the hardest struggle I have ever had getting and staying on track.
That's what I get for bragging on Sunday about my weight being in the normal range. Because it is not now. I am thinking it was artificially low on Sunday for some reason. My weight is up. Since Monday I am 2-3 pounds higher then my normal range.
Yesterday, the snow continued to POUND us hard. I got up and showered and dressed and made my way into work. Literally as I walked into the building, they decided to tell us not to report to work. But they were going to open up at noon. Seriously?
I am lucky enough to have a flexible job and spoke to my boss and was told that I could go home and did not have to come back at noon, but, of course, if I decided not to report, those hours would have to come out of my vacation.
I decided to go home and fortunately they ended up closing for the whole day because the snow JUST WOULDN'T STOP. And I was SO annoyed with the stupid bureaucracy of me getting all together for work and they cancel at the last possible second.
Again, out of my routine and out of stress/anxiety/nervousness I wanted to stress eat.
Today I came to work and fortunately the storm has passed. The sun is actually out and it's not as cold, which automatically helps my mood. But that doesn't mean that the winter doldrums just walk away. I heard a song on the radio this morning - something about summer and bikinis - and I literally had this moment of panic thinking of squeezing my perceived fat ass into a bikini and going out in public.
Now before anyone gets annoyed with me, intellectually I realize how ASININE this sounds. I get it, really. BUT that doesn't mean it didn't feel real to me. Especially since I only ran 3 miles on the treadmill yesterday because my Achilles was screaming. But that is 1/2 of what I wanted to run. Which in my mind = FAILURE. And not as many calories burned. And FATNESS.
Today I was sitting here and my workout time was nearing. And I did NOT want to work out. I totally talked myself out of it. I had taken my jewelry off and was preparing to change into workout clothing and I decided I would instead go pick up something at the mall that I ordered online. I convinced myself that walking the mall could "count" as exercise and that, even being in the car, exposing myself to the sun would be good for my mental well being.
I started to put my jewelry back on. At the last minute I asked myself what the fuck I was doing and managed to force myself into the room and changed. And I worked out HARD. And guess what? I feel sore, shaky and good.
But this total lack of motivation is a little scary for me.
So I have to find a way to get my mind right and get back into eating right and embracing the exercise. Hopefully I will be back into a normal routine - no more ass-kicking from Mother Nature - SERIOUSLY!!!
A normal routine helps make normal eating and normal behavior. I hope anyway.
Bikini season is coming, you know?