You know who I envy? I totally envy those people who post on places like Facebook in these sexy poses and you know they are thinking "DAMN! I look GOOD!" And who is anyone to tell them different?
I mean many of them have far from "ideal" bodies. Or they are making funny expressions and they don't give a shit, they post these pics anyway!
I always knew in my heart that I would love what I saw when I looked in the mirror if I ever lost weight. I used to tell myself to try to motivate me - "Wait until you are thin - you are going to look SO GOOD!"
And then I lost a lot of weight. And that confidence - that looking good? It didn't happen.
I can look in the mirror and point out certain things I like - like I have always thought I have good hair. And I like my muscles. But there is always a caveat. Like "Dang, look at my bicep muscles - that is awesome. Too bad you have all that hanging skin on your tricep area."
The point is, it's NEVER good enough. I will never be thin enough or pretty enough or anything else. Because? Well the because is that it's not about the looks. It's about my brain and how I don't like myself.
So when I woke up today - after eating my body weight in pizza and breadsticks (a planned indulgance) yesterday during the Superbowl - AND the scale acknowledged that, AND I am swollen with retained fluid AND the scale is way up - and I just kind of smiled and said to myself "You are totally fine - this will come off and you can't even tell with your dress on" - I didn't feel guilty or angry or scared or fat.
So maybe - just maybe - this is a step in the right direction.
But don't expect any sexy selfies on Facebook in the near future!! LOL