Monday, March 10, 2014

Family (and friend) systems....

When we talk about looking at your relationships with family or friendships or even co-workers, you should think of the people in it as a big circle with everyone holding hands.  Now imagine that someone in that circle changes something drastically.  What that means is that everyone else in that circle has to also change or the circle falls apart.

I read recently on the weight loss site where someone's husband told her that he liked her better when she "was fat".  Look, lots and lots of things changes when we lose weight.  We look different, we might get more attention from the opposite sex, we often grow more confident.  Our priorites might change - we might want to work out for an hour instead of sitting watching tv.  

This means that people in our families have to make adjustments!  Kids might be angry that you're not bringing crappy ass food into the house anymore.  You're husband might feel threatened or resentful.  And this can lead to friends and family trying to sabotage your efforts - often unconsciously.  

Imagine someone you love is a raging alcoholic who is desperately trying to get sober.  Would you bring home a 5th of Jim Beam and wave it in front of the alcoholic's face and say "Here, just have a little sip?"  No, you wouldn't do that, because that would be cruel and insensitive and not a sign that you love the person very much.

So my question is why would you tolerate your husband bringing home a dozen donuts and placing them on the counter?  That is NOT ACCEPTABLE.  Whether he has a weight problem or sugar problem or not.  It's not ok to not support the person you love.  

It's not okay for your mother to make snotty remarks about your weight loss.  Or to tell you that you are selfish.  Or to say it won't last.  

Remember - this is THEIR issue, not yours.  Don't own something that isn't yours and don't feel guilty for making a choice to better your life.  And trust me, your life WILL be better! 

So what it comes down to is that if you are making changes, the people in your life MUST change or else it falls apart.  I have lost friends due to my weight loss.  These people would never say that it had anything to do with me losing weight, but I know it was not a coincidence.  Once I stopped feeling inferior and letting them treatment me a certain way, suddenly I was not welcome in their world.

After reading about that couple last night, I got up and went over and kissed and hugged Marc.  I am so lucky that he and I took this journey together.  I can't imagine us not supporting one another in every venture and this life altering journey was one of them.

1 comment:

  1. You are so right Jen!!! I have lost 63 lbs in about 18 months and my husband has supported me all the way. He is naturally very slim and can eat whatever he wants, but he realizes I cannot do that. We help each other to make good food and exercise choices each day by providing encouragement and love. I am fortunate too that he is not the only cheerleader I've had. Many other family and friends have really pushed me forward and I am grateful for that. Now I have had comments like "It will never last" and "You'll just gain it all back", but they are rare and come from people I already know don't have my best interests at heart. So I ignore the ignorant and move on!!