I have said many times that I am still the same person now that I was when I was fat. But there certainly has been personality changes in me. One of those is anger.
I used to be angry a lot. Or at least I could be provoked into anger easily. I liked anger. It made me feel powerful. I was extraordinarily good with my anger. I think I can read people pretty well. Which meant that when I was angry I could hit people right where it hurts. And I was VICIOUS. I would say terrible things in the heat of anger - some things that I have said to people years ago I still remember with shock - I can't believe I really said those things.
Why was I angry? I guess there's a lot that fed into that. I was physically uncomfortable a lot of the time. I also think that I felt like I didn't have control of myself and anger made me feel like I did? And when I was embarrassed or ashamed, it was a lot easier to get angry then to feel those other emotions.
I find now that I just don't have the time or energy to waste on anger. Now, don't get me wrong, I still get angry and still have my moments. But that uncontrollable seething anger is just gone.
Yesterday I was behind a woman in traffic and she was screwing around with something and the light turned green so I tapped my horn to get her to pay attention and go. This pissed her off so badly that at the next light she actually JUMPED out of her truck, ran back to me and was screaming at me "What is your fucking problem??" I just started straight ahead and actually began laughing. This woman was ENRAGED because I honked my horn?!?! Seriously?!?! Now the old me might have engaged in a confrontation but I was totally calm inside and thought that I couldn't be bothered to get that worked up over this crazy bitch. If felt pretty good.
BUT the exception to my change is my anger at myself. It is something I still can't let go of. I think often of how my life could have been - should have been - different. If only I had done something about my weight years ago! I think how going through my 20's as a thin and fit person would have made my life so much better then how I spent it.
I sometimes just hate myself for not changing sooner. And that guilt and shame and anger at myself - I just have not been able to get over it. Sometimes when I eat something that I "shouldn't" or miss a workout, that anger at my weakness - that comes back in spades and I feel so defeated.
In my best moments, I'm able to think "better late then never". But that rarely lasts.
I hope that someday I can forgive myself, because living with regret and spending any time thinking "what if?" is really a fool's errand, isn't it? But for now, I still can't help being angry for choices that I can't go back in time and fix.