I don't want to say that I just came to a realization. Because that would mean that I'm really stupid. Maybe it's just that in the frame of mind that I am in I am starting to try to truly accept this.
I'll get to my point, but let me talk first about something I talk with my clients about all the time. What we see a lot is what we call a Honeymoon period. When clients go to rehab, they are surrounded by people in recovery. And counselors giving them constant praise. And they start to get physically and mentally in shape. Their bodies get rid of the poison they've been putting in it and they feel really good.
And they come out of rehab and they are totally enthusiastic about the recovery process - they go to self-help meetings and are ready for this to a brand spanking new start. Some describe it as the "pink cloud".
At some point reality hits. The enthusiasm starts to wane and they realize that this is IT. The way they are living is FOREVER if they don't want to use again. And they get sick of going to meetings all the time and trying to incorporate being a recovering person into their daily lives. The Honeymoon is over.
I think that this is what I am going through in my journey. And I had this thought occur to me recently. I will never - NEVER - be able to eat how I want to eat and not get fat again, period. I know that seems SO obvious, but it's just been "renting space" in my head.
Healthy eating and exercise is completely routine for me now. And it feels good. Lots of times I love the taste of a salad and I even crave healthy food more times then not. But, today, I wanted to eat a handful of the donut holes that were in the break room. And as I sit here, I would LOVE to stop on the way home from work and buy some brownies and eat about 5 of them before dinner. Yesterday I saw the new Ben and Jerry's ice cream with the "core" running down the middle and I wanted to buy it and chow down.
I don't see a future where I won't want to eat like that. I radically changed my way of eating 4 years ago and I still want to eat bad things all the time.
We all have choices, right? So my choices are to eat how I want and be fat OR have to be somewhat deprived and be thin. FOREVER. There are no other choices - not for me. So - too fucking bad, right?
There are worse things in the world, that's for sure. There are people dealing with much, much more terrible things in their life. But it still kind of makes me sad.
Anyone else feel this way?