Today I saw Keith and Jacob. Both of them are jokesters. But Keith in particular is like one of those boys from elementary school who, when he liked a girl, would pull her hair or something like that. Not the most socially adept guy, but he has a heart of pure gold.
So something was said about exercise and Keith says "Yeah, Jen, it looks like you've put on a few pounds!" He then covered his face with his hands like you do when you're anticipating someone smacking you and giggled like crazy.
My blood turned cold. I knew, after 2 seconds, that he was totally being a smart ass and joking around. But OMG, I'm not kidding, it was like he stuck a knife in me.
"I'd try running away, but you would catch me!" Keith said gleefully.
I turned to him and said that I wasn't mad, I was just thinking about what part of dinner I was going to skip.
He then realized that what he had said had hurt me. I could see that he was horrified. He started protesting that he had only been kidding. Jacob, who had been half paying attention, said "Oh, she knows that! Look how amazing she looks!"
Then he looked at me and must have seen my face because he then simply said "Girl - you are in need of some serious therapy if you don't get that!" Keith, now feeling terrible, said that he only said that sarcastically and couldn't believe that I thought any different.
I felt bad for making him feel bad. But seriously, it was as if he had punched me. Here I have been cruising along, pretty confident that a few pounds wasn't noticeable and starting to accept myself and WHAMO! A few words, spoken in a totally kidding manner and I was reduced to feeling ashamed and guilty and insecure. Pathetic, right?
I'd like to say I moved on from there, but I can't lie - the logical side of me knows Keith was kidding around and thinking he was funny. But there was a small voice tonight trying to insist he only said it because it was true!