Today dawned with weather to match my mood - shitty. It's cool and rainy and miserable.
Saturday we hosted Marc's family as we do every year for his dad's b-day. And actually it was a wonderful day until Tony the rooster decided to attack our 4 year old nephew - knocking him completely down and scratching his face and neck. So that's the end of him, unfortunately.
Yesterday, I felt run down and was having a major pity party for myself. I had so much I could have - SHOULD HAVE - been doing. I managed some running on the treadmill but it was a truly pathetic effort. And then I sat outside on my big fat ass getting nothing accomplished.
How have I fallen so far, so hard?
And more importantly, how do I find my way back?
Saturday we have a race. I will be running the 10K and Marc will be racing on his bike. I have done this race twice before and as I looked in my racing scrapbook yesterday and saw myself in pictures at last year's race - smiling and holding a medal for 2nd place - I felt like I didn't even know that woman looking back at me.
It's more then the weight gain. It's weight gain and pain and just feeling dissatisfied and lost. When I took the dogs for a 4 mile walk along a trail yesterday I had a lot of time to think. About tomorrow's significance and my failures. I recognize how overly dramatic I am making things, but I can't help how I feel.
What I plan to do is take this week to start to regroup. Then after the race I need to figure out where I stand on my running and weight and life in general.
Please bear with me - especially when I lose my shit tomorrow when the scale delivers the news of my inability to maintain my weight loss...