Saturday, January 31, 2015

1 month in…

We’re one month into the year.  Where do you stand?  Remember on January 1st??   Do you remember saying to yourself “THIS IS IT!  This year I’m going to do it!!”  Did you?

For me, this month was a mixed bag.  I count some victories and some failures.

I HATE January.  It’s been miserably cold and snowy here, and I’m so fed up!!

In the good column, I feel like I’m doing very well on the fitness end.  I’m getting my groove back running.  Runkeeper tells me that between running, biking, walking and elliptical, I traveled 211.6 miles this month.  That is in addition to everything else I’ve done.

Marc convinced me to try a new set of fitness DVD’s that he’s been doing – Les Mills Body Combat.  We did “Upper Body Blowout” this morning.  I am aching tonight, and I can only imagine what tomorrow will feel like!!

Now, on the weight side?  Not a complete failure but not a success, either.


Weight: 131.3.  A measly 1 pound lighter from January 1st.

And measurements?  Holding steady at being porky!

February is a lot more fun for me and fun can equal trouble.  Starting tomorrow with the Superbowl.

So I’ll keep at it, and hopefully will drop to a more reasonable weight if and when the weather starts to give a little!!

Friday, January 30, 2015

Trying to end well!

As this week ends and we are about to say goodbye to January, I'm in pretty good spirits after some rough patches this month.

When I weighed in on January 1st I was pretty horrified with myself.  And February 1 is not going to be much better.  But I am choosing - for today anyway - to celebrate some minor victories.

Late yesterday my boss came in to do an annual evaluation.  It's a pretty routine thing.  But she let me know that she had been contacted to get her approval for the powers that be to give me a special assignment.  I went to a training on a new computer thing a few months ago and apparently the trainers were so impressed with me that they want to use me to do a beta test on the new software and then use me to train other people.  It feels good to be recognized and to know that I stand a bit above the crowd in something.

Last night I had a hair appointment and got home late.  Marc was in the basement riding the exercise bike.  I really didn't want to change my clothes and immediately head down to start running on the treadmill, but I convinced myself to.  At that point I had run 28 miles this week and I told myself that even if I only did 2 miles, that would mean a 30 mile week.  Something that hasn't happened in months and a couple months ago I was afraid would never happen again!

I ran a slow and patient 5 miles and was pretty happy with that.

I am really trying to find some balance and remembering what all this is about.

The weather is still just killing me - it has been day after day after day of freezing cold temps, and there is no light at the end of that tunnel.  The darkness keeps threatening to overtake my mind.  So I am focusing on taking things one day at a time and trying to claim victories where I can.

It's working today...


Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Holier than thou…


Do you guys know anyone with this attitude?  Part of my journey has been about trying my hardest to be a more compassionate and understanding person.  To be less judgey about other people’s choices.  Trust me, I don’t always get there!  But it’s an ongoing effort.

Recently I had a friend of mine who was up on his high horse about how running on a treadmill isn’t really running.  That you have to be out there – in the cold, pounding the pavement to be a “real” runner.

That’s not the first time I’ve encountered that attitude.  I even believed it.  Just a year ago I found myself running outside in the teens – freezing my fucking ass off and dodging ice patches.  I came into the building where I work and had to ask a security guy to open a door for me because despite heavy gloves I couldn’t move my fingers.  It took about 30 minutes for the feeling to come back.

But I had in my mind that I had to do this. 

Not anymore. 

I have run 117.6 miles so far this year.  And every single one of them has been on the treadmill.  So does that make me a “fake” runner?

That same friend, who told me that my treadmill miles didn’t count, also chose to scrutinize what I was eating last week when we were at a conference.

“You’re going to have to run 30 miles on your treadmill to burn that off!” he said staring at my plate.  “Why don’t you not worry about what I am eating and how far I’m going to run?” I said back to him.

I don’t get why some people feel the need to sit on their high horse and judge how other people eat and exercise.

Now taking someone to the side and having a frank discussion out of concern for something like an eating disorder is different.  OR if you make a pact with a friend and ask that he or she tell you when you are veering off course – that’s totally different.

As you all know, I am struggling with my weight right now.  But I am trying.  And how I chose to go about it?  I would think that people would support ANY effort someone makes to get healthy instead of judging them.  

And I’m going to remind myself of that the next time I get an attitude towards someone and how they are choosing to run their lives!

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

It is just so easy!

I'm guessing it's because I'm increasing my running miles again after not running a lot for a while now.  So far this month I've run 110 miles.  Consequently I have been STARVING the last 2 days.  I mean like ready to gnaw my own arm off hungry.

So as I sat in my office today just wallowing in self-pity for being ravenously hungry after standing on the scale this morning and seeing that I am still 15 pounds overweight - I thought about a coworker that  has it so fricking easy.  She eats whatever she wants - and not healthy things either - and doesn't gain an ounce.  I was silently swearing at her in my mind.

I began stewing in complete envy.

And then I wondered if there is anyone out there who thinks I have it easy.  I wonder if there's anyone in my world that when I refuse the offer of donuts at a morning meeting thinks that it is easy for me to do it.  Or hears that I ran on the treadmill and is jealous of my "dedication".

I wonder if this imaginary person would be surprised if they knew what a mental struggle it is.  And I wonder if this person that I am so jealous of - is it really as easy for her as it looks?

The part of me that is a good person hopes that it is for their sake.  But the nasty evil bitch inside me hopes that it isn't.  That someone else experiences the struggle when to the outside world it looks so simple....


Monday, January 26, 2015


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Sunday, January 25, 2015


In addiction recovery, they say that the true test of person's recovery is doing the right thing when no one is looking.

Next week is the Superbowl, and unless you've been living under rock, you know all about the deflated ball scandal (#deflategate).  It makes me so disgusted that the scumbag Patriots obviously cheated.

It has ruined the Superbowl for me.  Marc is not a football fan, but he always joins me in front of the tv and uses his laptop and watches the commercials.  I look forward to it every year, but this year?  I don't even know if I want to watch.

The only game I play on Facebook it Words With Friends, and it's so obvious when people use cheater software - what' the point??  I mean there's not even money at stake!!

And then today I was running on the treadmill and I found myself just sick of it at 12 miles.  My goal was 13.  The thought actually crossed my tiny brain to quit and that I would tell everyone I had done 13.  Who would know, right?

How stupid is that?  No one is forcing me to run.  No one is monitoring my miles except me!  And the thought of cheating still crossed my mind!  

I kept running and did a full 1/2 marathon of 13.1 miles.  

I could have cheated - as I always can with food and exercise.

But the only one I would kidding is myself.  And integrity?  It matters.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Review: Panera Broth Bowl

Panera Bread – one of my absolutely favorite places to eat – has introduced a new group of meals to their menu.  They are called broth bowls.

Being the slightly (cough) OCD person that I am, before I decided to try it, I had to do some research.  Apparently broth bowls are very popular in the Asian culture – particularly Japan.  They are much thicker then soup – the broth is there to keep things moist.

Broth bowls are traditionally served with a large spoon and to noisily and obnoxiously SLURP while you eat them is considered a compliment.

Panera has 4 new broth bowls:  Soba Noodle with Chicken, Soba Noodle with Edamame, Lentil Quinoa with Chicken or Lentil Quinoa with Egg.  The range in calories from 370-410,

I had never eaten a Soba noodle in my life, so, of course, I had to look that up too!  They are made mostly with buckwheat and have relatively comparable nutrition to pasta.

Since we eat lentils and quinoa all the time, I decided to live life on the edge and ordered the Soba Noodle with Chicken. 

This is what the plate looked like when it was served:


As you can see, it’s not the consistency of soup.  In additional to the soba noodles and chicken, it has spinach, mushrooms, cabbage and a variety of spices.

I spread it out using my extra large spoon.


There is a generous portion of chicken and a ton of noodles.  A nice amount of spinach perfectly wilted, and some crunchy cabbage blend was also there.  The mushrooms tasted completely fresh and were delicious, but they were few and far between.

Since I am a complete wuss, and noticing some of the spices like paprika and red chili powder, I asked the woman who took my order if the bowl was at all spicy and she assured me that it was not.  However, for me?  It did have a bit of a kick to it.

The broth was extremely tasty and hearty and I felt it had the exact right amount.

The soba noodles were a challenge to eat with the spoon.  I am wondering if the Japanese use chopsticks for it – I would guess so.

But how were they?  OH MY DELICIOUS!!  They were MUCH chewier and had a more dry and nutty taste than pasta.  I instantly liked the texture and taste much better than, say, spaghetti. 

I paired mine with the French baguette (don’t judge me!!) instead of the (healthier) choice of an apple or the (unhealthier) choice of potato chips.

I found it very filling and was not at all hungry for the rest of the afternoon.  This might be because the dish has the wonderful number of 31 grams of protein!!

So, all in all, I loved it.  I will definitely be trying the lentil dish, although I loved the soba noodles so much, it’s going to be a challenge to get me away from those!  I’m going to try finding them locally or on Amazon to make at home.

The downside of all the broth bowls?  They are ridiculously high in sodium.  I don’t have to worry about that, but I know a lot of people do.

4 1/2 out of 5 stars for me!!      

Friday, January 23, 2015


Wow!  I am finally ending a week where I stayed on track the entire week and felt good about it!!

It feels like forever since that has happened!  

After a good week of eating right and exercising, I started to crash a bit today.  When it came lunch time, I invented about a billion excuses why I should not and would not do a lunch time workout.

But I managed to convince myself to change into my workout clothes - which is always half the battle.  I then put in P90X Plyometrics and killed it.  I came home and made a pot full of a new chili recipe.

Fridays have always meant yoga for Marc and I, but with everything that's been going on, we've kinda fell away from that.  We were back at it tonighr and Marc chose a really challenging routine from YouTube.

So as I sit here writing this, I feel both victorious and totally discouraged.  Why?  Because despite being on track all week, my weight remains astronomically high!!

There's part of me that believes nothing I do will make a difference - the rational part of me knows that's not true, but the instant gratification part wants to throw up my hands and say fuckitall!  

Thursday, January 22, 2015

All the small thing…

If you made a New Year's Resolution to lose weight and exercise, then, statistically anyway, there is a 73% chance - 3 weeks into January - that you have given it up.

As I talked about, resolutions often fail because people, frankly, aim too high.

Today I want to talk about the little things.  Because just like the "little bites" that have been killing me, little things really do add up!

Last night I didn't feel like I had exercised enough that day.  So I pulled out my aerobic stepper.  And while we watched The Mentalist, instead of sitting on my ever spreading ass on the couch, I stepped.  I didn't go balls to the wall sweating my ass off heart racing!  Nope - at what I would call a casual walking pace - I stepped up and down for an hour.  Lost in the program, it didn't even feel like exercise, but I was moving and burning calories.

Those are the type of little changes that can really add up.  When you go out to eat, order the salad dressing on the side and aim not to use all of it.  Substitute dry seasonings for sauces.  Park a few spaces further down at Walmart.

Make a point to get up and walk around the office every hour for just a minute.  Take a handful of pretzels with you into the other room instead of carrying the bag with you so if you want more you have to think about it and walk back.

Drink an extra glass of water a day.  Eat less red meat.  Try vegetables you've never tried before.

Do 10 jumping jacks while waiting for the shower to warm up.

All of these small, seeming insignificant changes can make a huge difference!

What small things have you discovered??


Wednesday, January 21, 2015

A sense of peace?

I knew that I had been under a lot of stress - but I think it's one of those things where you might not realize how much it is effecting you until it's NOT.

Yesterday was a great day!  I felt calm and in control for the first time in soooo long.  I ate well during the day and came home and ran on the treadmill for 7 miles and it didn't feel like a chore.  After a healthy dinner, I didn't feel snacky at all.  I was settled - physically and mentally.

I feel good today, too.  Relaxed and positive.  I think couples that have been together a long time feed off each other's energy and Marc is noticeably in better spirits - for obvious reasons!  So there’s more beneficial energy in our home – if you believe in things like that.

I don't know for sure that it's a relief of worry that is causing this shift. But let me tell you, it feels GOOD.  I just hope that it lasts!!

Physically, my Achilles is really good.  I am getting so tired of spending a good 45 minutes in the evening stretching and foam rolling and then afterwards hooking myself up to the electrical stimulation (sounds fun but it not!).  BUT I can't deny that it is making a world of difference  - if I want to be pain free, this is the small price to pay.

Not wanting to eat sweets all the time is a surprising and welcome gift so far this week!

I will brave the scale - reluctantly - tomorrow.  I'm so disgusted with myself right now, but I feel hope - real hope - for the first time in too long!!


Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Recipe: Cauliflower Bread Sticks


Oh look, what have we here?  Some delicious and   - wait for it - HEALTHY bread sticks!

I've seen recipes for cauliflower crust pizza circulating the internet forever.  I was skeptical that it actually worked.  But when I saw a suggestion to make the crust into bread sticks?  I had to try.

I didn't take any pics of the process because I wasn't sure it would turn out.  But you can google cauliflower bread sticks and find a ton of recipes - all similar - with step by step pics.

I will share with you how I did it, and trust me, no one was more shocked then I was about how fucking awesome they turned out!!

First take a head of cauliflower and cut all the green stems off.  Cut the head into parts and feed it into a food processor.  Pulse it up for just a short time - the results should look a lot like rice - no chunks but not obliterated.

Place in a bowl and microwave for 8 minutes.

Next is the hardest part - you need to get the water out.  I put the cauliflower on a clean dish towel, wrapped it up and began squeezing.

Note: if you attempt this right after microwaving, the hot water will burn you.  Who would be stupid enough to start squeezing water out directly after microwaving?  That would be ME!!!


Anyway, after letting it cool I squeezed the water out into a measuring cup to see how much came out and it was just over 3/4 cup!  When finished, your nice huge head of cauliflower looks like a small ball of dough.

Now, in a bowl beat up one egg.  Throw in some spices - I used salt, oregano and parsley.  Add 1/2 cup of shredded cheese - I used Walmart's fiesta blend made from skim milk - 80 calories per 1/3 cup.

Dump in the cauliflower and mix well.

Now place the mixture on a cookie sheet covered with parchment paper that has been sprayed with non stick spray.

You should easily be able to use your hands to shape it into a rectangle.

Throw it into an oven heated at 425 for 30 minutes.


Take it out and it should be pretty crispy.  Turn oven up to 450.  Top with another 1/2 cup of cheese and add any additional spices - I threw some basil on top.

Bake for 5 more minutes.

Take it out and wow!!!!






I was amazed at how great they turned out!!  They almost look like real bread sticks!!






And they were delicious!! Not as good, of course, as real bread sticks, but for the calorie exchange??!!

Next up for me is making a pizza and using cauliflower as the crust!  I can't wait!!

Monday, January 19, 2015

We now return to regularly scheduled programming…

Today we received the best news that we could have.  Marc’s father’s cancer is the lowest grade possible.  6 immunotherapy treatments and the prognosis is great.  What a tremendous relief!

So let’s see, I have the excuse of that being a stressor for me for weeks.  Combined with the holidays.  Combined with my normal set of excuses.

Now I don’t have that.  I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest.  Of course, it has landed on my stomach. 
Holy crap!  I have not been on the scale but I know that I have gained even more weight.

It’s just terrible. 

But the most important thing in the world is not my weight.  It is the health and happiness of people that I love.

Tomorrow I will get up and it will be a new day.  A new start.  Hell yeah!

Fat Jen – I’m taking you DOWN!


Sunday, January 18, 2015

A return to calm…

I know that some of you will find this totally pathetic, but I have never lived on my own.  The closest I’ve ever come was when my roommate my freshman year of college had a bit of a meltdown and left.  But living in a college dorm hardly qualifies as solo living.

Marc’s father has had a rough time coming out of anesthesia.  He was altered mentally and couldn’t be left alone.  So Marc spent the entire day and night there yesterday.

I hated it.  Marc and I do everything together.  So spending the day alone yesterday?  I was lonely and agitated.  Not to mention worried as hell.  And – selfishly – I was mad.  And felt guilty for my anger.  It was not a good day. 

Today dawned and Marc’s sister arrived to take her “shift” and Marc came home with the good news that Dad was almost back to normal mentally – what a relief. 

And guess what?  I ran 13.1 miles on the treadmill today with almost no pain!  It’s the longest run I’ve done in what feels like FOREVER.  Treadmill running still sucks, but I did it.  In only a little bit of pain.

This is not the start to the year I had envisioned.  I thought I would get right back on track.  I haven’t.  And there are excuses for this, but it all comes down to choices, and I’m just not there yet.

But a good day?  I’ll take it.  And keep my fingers crossed that one good day leads to another….


Saturday, January 17, 2015

Barely holding on...

Things are rough here in Jennifer Land right now.  Hope to write more tomorrow.

Right now, my 2 sweet boys may be the only thing keeping me sane.

Here they are enjoying some Bully Sticks after a long 8 mile walk in the cold today.

I was hoping the fresh air would get my mind right.  FAIL!

Friday, January 16, 2015

Well that's crappy!

This is another one of those too much information posts.  No, I mean it.  Realllyyyy too much information.  So if you don't want to hear about my POOPING, stop reading now!

BUT I know I'm not the only one out there with the issue, and since body function things that most people don't like to talk about I am okay with, I'm going to share with you.

Those of you that have read this blog will remember my issue from when I first lost weight.  I was having trouble pooping.  Until I ran.  And then about 2 miles in I couldn't NOT poop.  If ya know what I mean.

I started researching and found that people that have lost a lot of weight often have trouble pooping.  After years of a certain intake of amount and type of good, the body just doesn't know how to get back in a rhythm with the changes.

AND, I discovered that with runners - all types of runners - some people find themselves needing to crap when they run.  And when I say NEEDING, I mean NEEDING.  Which led to several sites on the internet where I could see people from races crossing the finish line with poop running down their legs.  Oh, ya gotta love the internet!!

I tried everything.  Not eating, drinking coffee, eating certain things, drinking water, warming up before I ran.  And still?  Emergency poop stops - if I was lucky.  

And then came the day I found myself about 2.5 miles from home crying on the phone with Marc asking him to come get me - and to bring at least 2 garbage bags for me to sit on.  Was not my finest moment, people!

I started taking Miralax to get me on a schedule and to make it easier for me to poop in general.  It worked!  I was able to poop like a normal person and didn't have the issue when I ran!  Yay!  I went to the doctor's and he said that it is fine to take Miralax daily - it is not a stimulant like ex-lax that your body can get "addicted" to.  

So for the last - geez, I think it's been almost 3 years - I've been taking it every day.  And it works perfectly.  But it has bothered me that I am taking an outside substance to make my body work right.  So on January 1st, I started taking it every OTHER day instead of daily with the goal to eventually wean myself off.    I'm having some issues adjusting - not as regular and I've had days of feeling bloated,  I've only been running on the treadmill, so it's hard to say whether I'd have any emergencies if I was outside.  

So will see what happens, and, like it or not I'll let you know!!

Thursday, January 15, 2015

There’s always a “reason”

I really appreciate you guys reaching out to me.  I get so down on myself when I go off plan.  I wonder if I'll ever be able to get this right.

Because there will always be LIFE right?  It will always be Monday or Friday or too cold or too hot.  There will always be a wedding or funeral or holiday or something that throws a wrench in the works, and I just don't find myself that adaptable.

Today I had brought my cell phone into a meeting just in case there was mews I needed to hear about Dad.  So when I got a text from Marc I immediately opened it a little worried.  Have I told you I have the best husband in the world?  It wasn't bad news.  Instead it was a text telling me that he was thinking about how hot I looked when I left for work this morning.

It may have been a lie, but it was a lie that made me smile!

And for my lunch hour I did P90X Plyometrics and then had a good healthy lunch.

I don't think I have the will or discipline right now that I once had.  And I'm reeeaaalllyyy starting to doubt that I will ever see 119 on the scale ever again.  When I see some people on fitness sites that are so sculpted and fit I both admire and envy them.  And it does makes me feel guilty and like I'm a failure. 

But then again, I have my own strengths to accompany my weaknesses.  Some days I'm doing to be right on plan.  And some days?  Not so much.  Can I live with that????


Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Cryptic summary of today....

They got it all.

He's recovering well so far.

We'll know more next week.

I DO NOT handle stress well.

I suck at life.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Fighting that sinking feeling!

I'm trying here, guys.  Trying not to give in to the total fuck its.  The weather is dragging me down - we finally got sun.  Of course it came with temperatures of 14 fucking degrees below zero!!!  So my life consists of scurrying from home to car to office to car to home.  I feel like I haven't had fresh air in weeks!

Am I whiney enough for you?

I am trying to FORCE myself to be positive.  Think happy thoughts.  See the bright side of things.

I'm truly trying.

After doing exhaustive research, we finally bought a nice exercise bike.  A Schwinn 130.  I got on for the first time last night and pounded out 18 miles.  I'll do a review after we both use it more.


It felt good to mix things up.  And yet...

I continue to struggle with my eating.  Some of it is just being trapped inside and bored.  So it's easy to munch a little here and there.  Not any big deal until you realize those little munches start to add up!!

The temps are supposed to return to reasonable levels by the weekend.  Here's hoping!!

BTW, I am now on Twitter – follow me @phat2phab

Monday, January 12, 2015

The Magical WHAT?

This was my dinner tonight:


What we have here is a Swai fillet, some steamed veggies and – what I want to talk about – BEANS.

Yes, these are black beans that have been cooking in the slow cooker all day.

If you have not discovered the joy of beans in your move to healthy eating, it’s time you started.  Beans are AMAZINGLY good for you.

You can buy them canned and they are still good, but we prefer to buy ours dry and cook them from scratch.  They take time – you don’t just cook them up on the fly – but that’s the healthiest way to eat them. 

You get a ton of fiber, they are extremely high in protein, contain a vast amount of iron, and regulate blood sugar.  They help you feel fuller longer and have enormous anti-cancer, pro cardio health benefits. 

Do they give you gas?  Yup, but most healthy foods, including raw veggies, do.  Consider every fart that you let fly an example of how healthy you are eating!!

So grab some beans, cook them up, and enjoy.  There are a ton of different varieties – I think I like black, kidney and pinto beans the best.  But they are all extremely good for you!

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Knowing versus Doing…

Back when I was fat, I went to the doctor’s for a pap smear so I could get my birth control pills refilled and they ran a cholesterol test.  It came back high.

I am assuming because I was only in my mid-30’s and it wasn’t that high they wanted me to try dietary changes instead of talking about medication.  I say assuming because NO ONE – not the doctor or the nurse or anyone had a conversation with me.  Not about the cholesterol, not about my weight.

Instead they MAILED me some paperwork on how to lose weight.  Which included eating right and exercising.

Even though it hurt a little – a slap of reality usually does, I snickered when I opened and read it.  I thought “These people must think I’m a FUCKING IDIOT!”  You mean the way to LOSE WEIGHT and GET HEALTHY is to EAT RIGHT AND EXERCISE??!!

Stop the fucking presses!!  If only someone would share this secret information with the world, we’d all be healthy and skinny!!!


OF COURSE I knew that.  And so does everyone else, right?  It’s not the KNOWING that’s the issue, it’s the doing.

And that challenge continues.  I know this:


I KNOW this.  I PREACH this.  And yet?  I’ve been eating badly this weekend.  But I got on the treadmill today and PUSHED myself.  Pushed and pushed.  And managed 12 painful miles.

For what? 1,000 calories?  Hardly a dent.  And I’ll be shocked and disappointed when I step on the scale tomorrow.  Except I won’t.

Because I KNOW.  I just don’t want to DO!

Friday, January 9, 2015

You got that right, Sherlock!

If this post makes me seem like a gigantic whiny pathetic baby – well, that’s because that is EXACTLY what I am!! 

Those of you that have read this blog for a while, you know how much I struggle mentally in the winter.  And this week has been freezing cold and we just keep getting DUMPED with lake effect snow. 

So, yeah, after this week, I am feeling a little – maybe a lot – down and out.

BUT things are not bad.  I ran a lot this week from what I have been running – 26 miles, plus some more walking.  And my Achilles?  It feel FANTASTIC.  I’m not pain free, but literally, this is the least amount of pain that I’ve had in MONTHS.  I sometimes can’t believe how good it feels because I’d gotten so used to chronic pain.  

I am anxious about Marc’s Dad and next week, but Marc and I are doing great as a couple despite the stress, my animals are healthy, in all things that matter – life is good!

But last night I was watching the show Elementary – which I love.  If you haven’t seen it, you should.  The main character is a recovering drug addict who we “met” just as he was coming out of rehab.  They do a great job writing him and remain true to the struggles of recovery. 

The character attends self-help meetings regularly, but in last night’s episode a couple of the other characters noted that he had stopped going as of late. 

His friend asked him about it and he said, quietly and calmly:

The process of maintaining my sobriety.  It’s repetitive, and it’s relentless and above all, it’s tedious. ....and now 2 years in I find myself asking ‘is this it?’ My sobriety is simply a grind.  It’s this leaky faucet the requires constant maintenance.   And in return offers only not to drip.”

The friend reminds him that he has his life and friends and his work and he states:

“I’ve told myself that many times.  So many times that it has become devoid of all meaning.”

Dude – you are singing my song!  This is just another example of how much recovery from addiction and obesity have in common.

If you are someone who reads this blog that has never struggled with obesity or addictions, you probably can’t begin to understand it. 

But the CONSTANT and ever-present mental and physical struggle – not to achieve something great.  Not to be glorious or special or extraordinary.  But to simply be NORMAL.  It can – it does - take a toll.

And yes, there are much much worse things that people have to deal with.  But that someone writing for a tv show to put so eloquently in words what I feel?  In a way I couldn’t myself begin to explain to anyone, perhaps because I had never thought of it that way?

It effected me.  It also gave me some measure of gratification to know that someone else must understand the struggle. 

So what now?  Suck it up and move on, Princess.  There is no other option.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

It’s all relative…

When I was morbidly obese, I think I would have sold my soul or even sacrificed an arm if a magic genie offered to wave his wand and magically make me 150 pounds.

Then I started losing weight and I was THRILLED when I stood on the scale one day and saw the number didn't have a "2" in front of it.  Yes I had entered that magical place called ONEderland.

When I got to that number I had always thought was impossible - 150 - I was so happy. But by then my aim was 130.  130 came and went and I then hit 119 and had made my goal.

Then the backsliding this year.  So when I stood on the scale this morning and it was a number that just a few months ago would have HORRIFIED me and today it relieved me I stopped to think how relative things are.

129.9.  So 2.5 pounds lower then last Thursday.  So what I'm doing is working.  But the thought of fighting and fighting and fighting to get back to 119 – well the thought itself depressed and exhausted me.

So I'm trying today to remember how relative it is.  Like when milestones would make my day - being able to wrap a towel fully around me, or fit into a booth easily at a restaurant, or not having the steering wheel touch my stomach, or being able to climb a set of stairs without feeling like I would have a heart attack right there or buying my clothes from a "normal" store.

All those things I now take completely for granted - they once were signs of victory.  Appreciating those milestones rather then worrying/obsessing about getting to the next one?  Maybe that should be the focus?

And finally, because I know everyone is sick of my whining, I’m not going to.  But here’s a pic of my world…


Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Thaw me out!!

Poor Marc!  When the alarm went off this morning, he had to crawl out of bed, get bundled up and snowblow the driveway.  Dexter is an all wheel drive and does great in snow, but there was two feet - yes two miserable feet - of snow in the driveway.  

Fortunately the lake effect headed south but it was deceptive!  It looked beautiful out but by noon was 2 degrees out with a "feels like" temp of MINUS 24!!!  

If you are lucky enough to have never felt temps like these, I envy you!  If you have you know exactly what I mean that when I say I left work and walked through the snow to my car and the snot froze instantly in my nose.  The snow made that squeaky crunch sound as I walked.  

I got home and stomped into the house.  I threw my bag down and yelled to Marc " Why the fuck do we live here??!?" I'm sure he was thrilled  I was home!

I haven't been having the easiest time with motivation lately and frozen weather doesn't help.  But I did manage to get some miles in on the tready.

So tomorrow is one week since I bit the bullet and weighed in.  I soooo hope the scale gives a bit and lends me some hope!!!

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

The January blahs…

So how's everyone doing?

I can't complain - oh who am I kidding  - of COURSE I can!!

There is good news – let’s start with that!  I ran 11 miles on Sunday and another 6 yesterday and my Achilles feels great.  Now treadmill miles are definitely easier on the body, but still.... I am still faithfully stretching, foam rolling and using the electrical stimulation machine every night.  It’s gotten tiresome, but knowing that it’s working is fantastic!

And food wise? I'm right on track.  I have had temptations, but have been able to decently shrug them off.  In fact I was given a late Xmas gift yesterday which was a box of cocoa dusted truffles.  I had virtually no temptation to open the box.  Fat Jen attempted to wrestle Thin Jen to the ground and eat the whole box, but I calmly and patiently placed the box in a "safe" place and told Fat Jen that there would be a time in the future where we could have some of these truffles.  She retreated quite nicely.

What's not cool is the scale.  He has thrown his head back, given an evil laugh and has REFUSED to reward my good behavior. Asshole!

And then there's the weather - I know many of you are experiencing it, too.  Miserably, bitterly cold.  And guess what?  For the bonus round we are getting POUNDED with lake effect.  I had to drive at a crawl on the way home tonight. 

I don't know about you guys but it is not easy to get motivated in this weather.

None of this will last forever - I know this intellectually. But add all of this to stressing out about Marc's dad (operation next week) and the unrelenting dark skies...  I am doing my damnedest to maintain a positive outlook.  But January - oh how I despise thee!!!


Sunday, January 4, 2015

The ever changing motivation…

Remember when I said yesterday that if this were easy everyone would be thin?  That’s because it isn’t.  And one day you’ll be highly motivated and other days, you’ll get the fuck-its.

I got up this morning and saw 130.4.  So I inched down a little.  But then I looked at last year’s blog post to see that the Sunday after New Year’s I was bragging about being 118.2.  So that’s a 12 pound gain.

The weather outside was a miserable freezing rain.  But I resolutely began cutting stuff up for the beef stew I planned to cook in the slow cooker.

When I got on Facebook, someone had posted this and it was exactly how I was feeling!


I felt antsy but I didn’t want to do shit.

But after eating a huge lunch, I knew I had to get my ass moving.  So I headed downstairs and started the treadmill, feeling oh so very sorry for myself. 

But I persisted, watching the football game, and was shocked when I lifted the towel after being POSITIVE I had run approximately 1200 miles to find I had run 3.08.

So I gritted my teeth and kept going.  The first half came to an end and I continued to run and realized that I had virtually NO ACHILLES PAIN.  Which meant no excuse to stop.

I ended up doing my longest run in what feels like FOREVER – 11 miles.  I came upstairs and felt somewhat victorious.

The beef stew is looking good!


So it’s not always easy and it’s not always fun.  But I certainly won’t regret the workout!!  And I hope the scale will reward my efforts!!

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Making a life change…

So it hasn’t been that long but I’m pretty happy with how I’ve been getting back on track.

I’m eating well and getting back to routine exercise.  Saturday is always my weak day but tonight’s dinner is roasted butternut squash and apple panko coated chicken fillets.

January 1st and I see a LOT of people on Facebook talking about their lifestyle changes.  And many of them are doing it wrong.

Who am I to tell them it’s wrong?  Well I’m not.  But I do have some experience and some success so this is what I want to talk about – and if it isn’t valuable to you, feel free to ignore me!

First let’s talk about exercise.  Obviously I believe exercise is vitally important for ultimate physical and mental health.  BUT stupid shitty shows like The Biggest Loser and others like it give you the idea that the best way to lose weight is to exercise for HOURS a day and push yourself until you puke. 

That is insane, dangerous and counterproductive.  If you have been a sedentary person, planning on exercising balls to the wall 6 days a week for an hour is not realistic.  You likely to hurt yourself and burn out immediately.

Make realistic goals.  And remember that exercise does not always mean doing Insanity or running for an hour on the treadmill!  Clean out that extra room that you’ve been piling crap in for years.  Take the dogs and your kids for a walk.  Get your girlfriends together and find a local Zumba class! 

Move more then you used to!  Build up to more formal exercise. 

Now how about food?  If you are making this life changed you may have joined a site like My Fitness Pal.  And if you are a woman you going to put in the you want to lose 2 pounds a week.  And they’re going to tell you to eat 1200 calories a day.

Forget it.  If you are overweight, you’ve probably been eating around 2500 calories a day.  Will you lose weight faster by radically cutting your calories?


But it won’t stick.  You’re going to be starving.  And miserable.  You’re going to go on a eating frenzy before too long.  And then you’re going to hate yourself.  And give up.

Eat less.  Eat healthier.  Give up or cut way back on small things – like soda.  Stop eating out so much.  Buy fresh foods and COOK THEM YOURSELF. 

Engage your kids and spouse.  Have them help you make a salad.  Teach the kids to make their own lunches.

Learn about what foods make you feel full.  Eat large quantities of veggies.

Drink water.  And then drink MORE water.  Find a way to get at least 7 hours of sleep at night.

And remember – slow and steady wins this race – not gigantic leaps.

Can’t do these things?  TO WHAT LENGTHS ARE YOU WILLING TO GO????  If it was easy EVERYONE would be thin. 

It will be hard.  It will suck at times.  It will be two steps forward and one back.  And then one day, like me, you’ll step on the scale and burst into tears because you’ve hit your goal weight.

For me it was 119.  And I will never ever forget that day – when I stepped on the scale and instead of 300 or 200 or 150 or even 120 it said 119.7.  It was fucking glorious.

Imagine it…


Friday, January 2, 2015

The truth is out there…

Today I was unexpectedly called to another court to testify in a civil matter.  There, a large tub of Xmas cookies sat.  They were probably stale as all hell.

And, despite this, I wanted one - no I wanted TEN - of those fuckers anyway.  I didn't have one and instead did some self-talk that I've learned along the way.

I told myself that they were just cookies. There will always be cookies.  I can even MAKE cookies - anytime I want to.  But not today.  Cookies are not for today.  Maybe tomorrow but not today.

And, believe it or not, it helped.

I was then called in to testify.  And when I was cross-examined the attorney asked - in a clearly accusatory/judgmental tone - how long a person who once was addicted is at risk of relapse.

Without hesitating I responded "The rest of his or her life."

And that's when it truly hit home.  Something I know intellectually, but I suppose I was in denial about emotionally.

I will never - NEVER - be NOT at risk of relapse.  I will never look at a cookie like a normal person.  I will never be able to trust myself to just eat a meal intuitively.  I will always want to eat more then I should.

And you know what?  That's not a tragedy.  It is what it is.  My brain is fat and always will be.

And despite this, I can still eat treats - at times.  I will still have occasions of consciously overeating.

But in 2014 I played around with attempting to eat like someone who is normal - someone who has never been morbidly obese.

The results?  A significant weight gain.

So, like the denial that ended for me in 2010, it’s time to stop that denial.  For the start of 2015 it's - as reader Laurie suggested - time to get back to basics.

And take it one day at a time…

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Happy New Year!

Welcome to 2015 everyone!!

Well, I stepped on the scale today and was rewarded with a concrete number defining what a complete and miserable failure I have been this year in maintenance.


According to the BMI chart, that means that if I gain just .6 pounds I will officially be in the “overweight” category again. 

I am ashamed of myself and what makes it worse is having to come on here and admit it to everyone who reads this blog.  I thought about lying.  Pathetic, huh?

But it’s a honest program, right?

I am feeling really down but I’m not out.  I started today with a treadmill run thanks to the weather outside looking like this:


Now that helps my mood – NOT!

I went 8 miles and then “wogged” another 1 and Mr. Achilles was a-okay with that.  Small favors.

So here we are -


Weight: 132.4

Measurements:  29.5 (under boobs), 28.5 (waist), 32 (hips).

Ug.  Please try not to judge me too harshly.

I will stand in roughly the same place on Superbowl Sunday – February 1st.  I hope to have better news to report!!