Today I was unexpectedly called to another court to testify in a civil matter. There, a large tub of Xmas cookies sat. They were probably stale as all hell.
And, despite this, I wanted one - no I wanted TEN - of those fuckers anyway. I didn't have one and instead did some self-talk that I've learned along the way.
I told myself that they were just cookies. There will always be cookies. I can even MAKE cookies - anytime I want to. But not today. Cookies are not for today. Maybe tomorrow but not today.
And, believe it or not, it helped.
I was then called in to testify. And when I was cross-examined the attorney asked - in a clearly accusatory/judgmental tone - how long a person who once was addicted is at risk of relapse.
Without hesitating I responded "The rest of his or her life."
And that's when it truly hit home. Something I know intellectually, but I suppose I was in denial about emotionally.
I will never - NEVER - be NOT at risk of relapse. I will never look at a cookie like a normal person. I will never be able to trust myself to just eat a meal intuitively. I will always want to eat more then I should.
And you know what? That's not a tragedy. It is what it is. My brain is fat and always will be.
And despite this, I can still eat treats - at times. I will still have occasions of consciously overeating.
But in 2014 I played around with attempting to eat like someone who is normal - someone who has never been morbidly obese.
The results? A significant weight gain.
So, like the denial that ended for me in 2010, it’s time to stop that denial. For the start of 2015 it's - as reader Laurie suggested - time to get back to basics.
And take it one day at a time…