On Tuesday, Marc was taking his father in to get some groceries. He asked me if I wanted him to pick up something and he would make a beef stew for today.
So this was great - I am decidedly NOT someone who likes cooking and I really do not enjoy the whole meal planning thing. Marc helps out with the cooking, but because of my control issues, I usually plan each dinner in order to know EXACTLY what’s being made and the amounts and in turn - of course - the calories.
So today as I was leaving for work Marc was getting all the stuff together to place in the crockpot so that it could cook all day. And I was excited. There is nothing better than coming home on a cold February day to have the house smelling of stew and sitting down to a hearty bowl.
I asked him what he was putting in it and he was describing the ingredients - beef, potatoes, onion, a bag of mixed vegetables and a flavoring packet that he found for crockpot meals. And as he was happily describing what he was making, I felt my heart sink.
I started thinking “Well, did he weigh the potatoes so we know exactly how much is in there?” And “What is this flavoring packet - how many calories does it have??!!” “Did he get the right amount of beef so we know how many calories of meat is in there??”
YUCK! I mean seriously! This is what my life has come to. I can’t even appreciate and enjoy my husband cooking us a nice - and healthy - dinner because I have to be obsessed and controlled by calorie counts and knowing exactly what I am putting in my body.
Of course, this type of living is necessary because the part of me that is broken. The part of me that cannot and does not feel full even after eating a “normal” amount of calories. If that part of me worked - like it does in many people, I would just scoop out a bowl and eat it - knowing that I would stop when my body had enough to eat. Unfortunately, I don’t have that “off button”. I could and would eat a ridiculous amount of calories if it was available and still be up for eating more. Consequently if I don’t want to become obese again, being at a minimum calories AWARE is an absolute requirement. At every freaking meal!
Having said that, I think that this is yet another example of where I have to find balance in my life. If I know more days than not how many calories I’m putting into my body and days like today - when I might not know exactly how many calories I’m having for dinner, but I DO know exactly how many I’m eating for breakfast (120) and lunch (360) AND if I do what I am still trying to do - which is eat slllooowwwwly and pay attention to my body and any cues that I’m done and feel a sense of fullness, that’s going to have to be good enough!
So hopefully after we finish tonight’s yoga practice I will put on my PJ’s and sit down to dinner, I’ll just enjoy the meal!