How is everyone out there doing? I am slowly trying to come back to sanity. I found myself wondering something this weekend. I wondered at what point my self-worth as a human being became tied to my body weight.
Maybe it always has been - when I was obese there was always - ALWAYS - a feeling of shame, no matter what I achieved or didn’t achieve. But at some point during my weight loss, I thought that this had changed. I was happy to be losing weight and started feeling good about myself, but I DIDN’T believe that my worth would ultimately be determined by how low the scale got. At least I don’t THINK I thought about that. I certainly didn’t think I was a better person for losing weight. I was just enjoying life - a lot.
But something changed. And when you get to the point of complete and utter despondency over some weight gain, maybe there’s a clue. Another clue? I was thinking that now that the weather has warmed up, I need to start thinking about getting things in place to raise some new baby chicks and to clean out the chicken coop – you know, spring chores. When I thought about this, I realized that I have been neglecting “real life” things like this in order to exercise 3 hours per day every day.
Saturday, Marc and I ran in the local Shamrock Run. Last year I finished with an average pace of 7:40 minute miles. This year, it was about 8:35. I didn’t get a medal. It sucked. But did the world come to a crashing halt? Did someone take my birthday away? Did I lose a $3,000,000 deal from Nike? Uh... NO.
So, at what point do I get off this insane Merry-go-round?
Some kind reader of this blog sent me a podcast type thing. They interviewed Jill Coleman (jillfit.com). She was an athlete and fitness model and got into a disordered relationship with food and exercise and was able to out the other side and now she helps people. Some of the things she said both shocked and scared me. She talked about her child taking one of her Reese’s Pieces one day and it made her cry. Because those were hers. When you are incredibly restrictive with what you allow yourself to have, the food takes on an insane value if and when you do allow it into your life. I could totally identify with that, and clearly recalled being on vacation a couple of summers ago and driving by an ice cream stand and crying because I love ice cream and wanted some SO BAD but couldn’t/wouldn’t allow myself to have any.
She also talked about the period of her life when she was being extremely restrictive during the week – every day looking forward to the weekend - where she would go on a wild weekend binge - all weekend. I know that this is stupid but I was like “other people do that??!!” I thought it was just me! Duh!
Jill started listening to her body, doing things in moderation, and is much healthier mentally. Her approach totally makes sense - and yet it terrifies me to think of allowing myself this leniency. Of being okay with some extra poundage. Of it not working for me and ballooning back up to obese.
Because what I’m doing now is working so well, right??!!