I would love to be able to sit here on a Monday typing away about how after last week’s doctor’s appointment and doing well all week, that I was perfectly on plan and ate like a rock star all weekend and didn’t veer off the mark once. Yes, that’s what I would love to tell you, and if I was a big fat liar, that’s what I would say.
But getting back on track is just not happening yet. I actually almost used the excuse that I don’t start my new pill until this week so it made perfect sense to eat out of control still. Puh leeze.
But there was a rare glimpse of internal peace this weekend and one that I hope to capitalize on.
Like a lot of places, we were COLD this weekend. We avoided the terrible storms, but it was FREEZING. So Saturday morning, I relegated myself to the dreaded treadmill where I was able to get in 10 miles.
When Sunday came, it was beautifully sunny but cold again. I am such a WUSS when it comes to running in the cold!! I know some runners love the crisp air, but I am not one of them. Marc is still nursing a knee injury and I sat at my computer having an internal debate with myself. I couldn’t bear the thought of once again returning to the basement and climbing on the treadmill. But the thought of piling on layers and running in the 25 degree temps was not sounding good, either.
What pushed me over the edge was my wonderful dogs who sat giving me the hard STARE. They have been feeling the cabin fever, too! So I decided to take them over to a nature trail a few miles away. I began bundling up as they happily ran around the house - somehow they KNOW when I’m getting ready to take them somewhere.
We piled into the Edge and drove over to the trail. Although we walk and hike all the time with the dogs off leash, I typically run with them along the roads so they are always leashed up. But when I got to the trail there was only 1 car in the parking lot, so I strapped the running leash on myself in case we met anyone, but allowed them to be loose.
The nature trail is mostly flat - 2 miles long from one end to the other, and is covered with a fine gravel surface. Although it was cold, the sun felt good and there was - blissfully - almost no wind. I started running and the boys were so excited, running ahead, sniffing - I might not have been thrilled about the cold, but it didn’t seem to bother them. We were only a short 1/4 mile in when the owner of the car that was in the parking lot came walking towards us. So I hitched the boys up and kept running.
After we passed him, I let them off again and we continued running. They would run next to me for a while and then take off to the side or lag behind as they caught a particularly alluring smell. We reached the 2 mile point where the opposite parking lot is and I made a wide berth and the boys were both running beside me and I felt like we were almost of one mind.
We headed back and as we reached 2.5 miles, something got into Archer. He suddenly took off like a bat out of hell. He was running so fast and his ears were flying backwards and he joyfully ran full speed through a mud puddle and then made a wide turn and ran back towards Chakotay and I - just full out running like a crazy person, covered with mud and thrilled about it.
I smiled at how much fun he was having. I then realized something. I had been running and I wasn’t thinking about the following: How fat I am. How many calories I was burning. How fast I was running. What I had to do for chores later that day. Was I going to run far enough to “earn” the bagel I wanted for lunch. Why I am such a failure.
No, I wasn’t thinking of any of those things. I was just in an easy run, enjoying myself and watching the dogs having a grand ole time as only happy dogs know how to do.
When we reached the end where we had started, I looked at the dogs and they stood there wagging their nubs and staring at me. So I turned around and started running again, and they followed without hesitation. I ran just over a mile and noticed Chakotay was starting to look a little spent, so we turned around and finished out a nice 10K.
It was only an hour of time, but it felt SO FUCKING GOOD to get out of my messed up head. I totally and completely recognize that the vast amount of drama in my life is self-imposed. But knowing that fact and changing it, are 2 completely different creatures.
Today, I feel calm and in control. The weather is predicted to take a turn for the better this week. I hope that this means that things are looking up. That I can hold on to some inner peace. I know that for me, emotional upset, stress and overeating go hand in hand. Finding some peace and holding it tight will most certainly lead to my goals... at least I hope so...