It is admittedly hard to give a shit about my weight right now. Eating right and keeping up on exercise has fallen from high on the priority list to rock bottom.
Yesterday morning involved being on auto-pilot. And thinking - too much thinking. Thinking stupid things like how Archer has never been an only dog and will be devastated by Chakotay’s loss. Thinking about getting a new puppy and then HATING myself for even thinking about it. Almost like I’m hastening Chakotay’s illness by thinking of the future without him.
As you might imagine, I have also been scouring the internet for any and all information regarding lymphoma.
I then got to thinking - we live not too far from a very prestigious and well respected veterinary college - Cornell University. So I looked and was shocked to see that they have a clinical trial going on right now for dogs with lymphoma.
After some phone calls we have an appointment for next week to take him down for some testing and, if he qualifies, he will be enrolled in their clinical trial. I will know more next week, but based on what the trial involves, I’m not expecting any miracles. It seems that the goal will be to prolong the length and quality of his life, not to outright cure the disease.
But right now, it presents a glimmer of hope. He still is eating, drinking and appears to feel good, but I also feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. That tomorrow morning I’ll get up and he will be deathly ill.
This situation calls for being flexible, adaptable, and staying in the moment. Could I suck any worse at any of these things?? And Marc is not good at it either.
And now I have to find balance - there is a part of me that finds this situation a perfect excuse to continue to eat like shit and not worry about exercising - I mean who would blame me right?? At least that’s what Fat Jen is telling me. And when Sandie commented about my last post that I need to not medicate with food, she is absolutely right! And yet - there is that I am having a melt down and will eat whatever the fuck I want, leave me alone!!
Finally, I want to thank every one of you who has offered me kind thoughts and caring. It means more than you can know. And I’ll apologize in advance if this blog goes completely in a different direction for a while. Hopefully you’ll bear with me.