As you might have guessed, I don’t handle things as well as I should. Everything caught up with me Saturday night. I crashed. At least that resulted in me sleeping well, and Marc and I slept in very late.
It was forecast to be hot and humid. We decided that we would head out to the beach. Marc asked if I wanted to get in a short bike ride before lunch. We headed out and my whole body was just tired. Probably some of this was the result of the previous days duathlon, but no doubt the emotional upheaval played a role.
We headed out to the beach. At least Chakotay does not appear sick. He is eating, drinking, playing - the dogs played in the water and swam out for their toys over and over again and he showed no signs of fatigue.
I keep telling myself that there are a lot of unknowns right now - how long he will feel good - how long he will be with us; but what we can control is giving him the best life we can right now and to enjoy it.
I tell myself that, but it is hard for me to not think about what the future may bring.
I know so many people that when they are under stress they lose their appetite. Unfortunately that is not me. I’ve been doing a ton of mindless shitty eating. Which then makes me feel guilty and angry at myself. It also takes toll physically - the more I eat like crap, the worse my body feels. So forget about formal exercise - it took tremendous effort just to force myself to do laundry yesterday.
I know that I have to stop feeling sorry for myself and making things worse. I know it. But getting out of this hole I’ve dug for myself was beyond hard before - now it seems impossible.
Just as I was making this post, I received a call from the vet’s office. The pathology results have returned and Chakotay has lymphoma. I knew this was going to be the case, but there was still a part of me holding on to hope…. Please keep us all in your thoughts….