Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Deep breath…

So, the hits just keep on coming. Monday was an insanely busy day - well, what did I expect being off for a couple of weeks? I can’t say that I was thrilled to be back at work, but it was something of a relief to have something else to focus on.

We had to make the trip to Cornell on Tuesday afternoon. I went to bed Monday with the thought that I would again get up early and run. I slept very fitfully and when the time came to get up I just stared at the clock and made an excuse to not get up. I wasn’t incredibly tired I was just LAZY.

I got to work and was there only a few minutes before I got a call telling me that someone I know died of a drug overdose that morning. So, needless to say, yesterday morning was terrible. I left work in time to race home and to get the dogs in the car before driving to Cornell.

After they were finished with Chakotay - doing blood work and associated testing the doc came out to talk to us. As I already knew, the treatments are not working. In the short couple of weeks since they first saw him, his lymph nodes have actually GROWN 23%. The bloodwork is still perfect, so he is not declining there, but it is a matter of time.

I left there feeling so defeated. We got home and I just wanted to give up. I ate a crappy dinner and didn’t care that it was crappy.

Then guilt overcame me and I resolutely put on my running shoes all the time telling myself that if I hadn’t been such a lazy fat cow that morning I could have had my exercise already in. It was 8PM and Marc said “You aren’t really going to run on the treadmill are you?” He told me that I had a stressful day, that having a rest day would be good for me. I wanted to buy that. But I instead went downstairs and turned on America’s Got Talent - silliness. Not news, not more killings, not any sadness, just some mindless diversion.

I didn’t regret running, and when I stepped on the scale this morning, I am down 1 pound. Big deal, right? 1 frigging pound when I need to lose like 40. But having just come off vacation and with all that has been going on, I’ll take the 1 pound, for sure.

I am trying to hang on to sanity and seem to be managing right now, but things are going to get more difficult.

I was talking today to a Veteran who recently went to a Veteran’s Olympic Games type thing. He talked about these vets who have lost limbs and been burned and have all kinds of challenges and how it was so incredibly inspiring to, for example, watch someone swim with 1 leg, or play volleyball with barely healed burns or shooting archery using their teeth because they are missing an arm - he talked about how amazing it is to talk to them and how they face their adversity and remain positive. I told him I wondered what enables some people to face these incredibly difficult challenges and be so STRONG, while there are others who face obstacles and just shut down and give up.

I could use a little internal strength right now if someone could just tell me the magic password!!

1 comment:

  1. Serenity. Stop trying to control everything. You lost a pound after vaca and the stress of helping your boy. That's great. Give yourself a break. Very sad about your dog, kills me because I am a pet person too. Your job right now is to be the wonderful human being that you are and help him through this. It will be OK