Much like a physical injury, an emotional injury heals in stages. Right now, instead of that sharp agonizing pain, there is just a dull aching. I am having periods of time when I feel almost normal. Then, times like last night, I'm talking with Marc as we are getting ready for bed, and I realize I'm standing there with treats for 2 dogs, and there is the panicky painful reminder.
This morning, Marc suggested that we go for a hike knowing that I had a date with a football game this afternoon. As we walked and Archer ran joyfully around there was just this intangible sense of we are incomplete.
Speaking of whether we are complete, I find it interesting how people will always choose to impose their views on others. I have received at least one completely unsolicited opinion that we should not even consider getting another dog for a very long time if ever. And, on the other side of the coin, I have also had some completely unsolicited opinions that we need to get a puppy right away.
Both suggestions are heartbreaking for different reasons.
But the climb back to sanity has started. And there was some positive movement yesterday. I took Archer over to a trail yesterday to run. Somewhere along the run not only was I not hating running, I was actually enjoying it. It has been a while since that has been true. So when we got back to the car at around 6.5 miles, we got some water and then ran another 1.5.
Looking at our stats, we ran 8 miles at an average 9:08 mm pace. So I decided our goal would be to do 10 miles at an under 9 pace by Thanksgiving. Compared to what I ran just a couple years ago, this goal is pretty freaking pathetic. But compared to the war I've had with running lately, to have enjoyed it enough to have set a goal?? Yes, making a goal, instead of just running because I have to feels like a movement forward.
Towards DOING instead of EXISTING.
And as I thought about that goal, I acknowledged that this is going to mean putting an actual effort into getting back on track with my eating. So I asked myself what I wanted more – to eat what I want or to lose weight and meet my goals.
I wish I could tell you that there was a resounding shout from my psyche assuring me that I am ready. But in reality, there was a instead mostly silence.
But a step forward – even a small step – is something I will take this weekend.