I sit here tonight feeling like the worst mom ever. All things considered, Chakotay is really doing well. He is in good spirits.
And he thinks he feels good enough to do everything he used to do. But he just can't. He gets very tired very easily, and just has to lay down and so his days of hiking miles are over.
Today was extremely hot and we talked about heading out to the lake. But it's about a 1.5 mile hike from the parking lot to the water and we knew there is no way he could make it.
Marc suggested we head out to the water and leave both dogs at home. But I hate to deprive Archer of something he loves because Chakotay is sick.
I put on Archer's collar and Chakotay hopped around all excited. When I had to shut the door in his face?? It fucking broke my heart!
We started to throw things in the car and I lost it. I told Marc he would have to drive because I started sobbing. I cried all the way to the park.
A few hours later we got home and, of course, Chakotay didn't hold it against us. He was happy to see us and had most likely slept the whole time we were gone.
Which didn't make it any easier at all.
The guilt and emotional pain is terrible. I know many of you have been there with someone you love.
What little self control I still had is pretty well gone. GONE.
I look to you guys now - for inspiration. Send me your stories, they help keep me going!!