Trying to get back in the groove of writing in this blog has forced me to start looking more closely at what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong. I feel like for the last year I've meandered around, disgusted with myself but feeling powerless to do anything - waiting for the magic fairy to come alonng, wave her wand and make me thin.
So in focusing more on my apathy towards myself, I thought about my goals. I know two women. One is my age the other a few years older. The latter is extremely driven and disciplined. She adheres to a vegan diet. She runs what some people might describe as obsessively. She is constantly looking for new ways to push herself - new challenges - running faster, more miles, always with a new goal. She is very thin.
The other woman doesn't seem to have these goals. She runs when she feels like it. She runs races and is perfectly happy to finish a half marathon in 2 1/2 hours. She drinks margaritas and unapolgetically posts pics of her and her boyfriend devouring large desserts when they eat out. She looks happy and healthy and might be described as "thick".
So who has the better life? Who is doing it right? They both are, right? If the first woman feels complete and satisfied with the constant pushing of herself, more power to her! And woman #2 is enjoying her life by being a little less restrictive, I am happy that she is happy!
Me? I think I fall in between these 2 women but the problem is that I am not satisfied. If I drive myself the way woman #1 does, I end up feeling exhausted and resentful and I can't sustain the momentum. But if I give myself slack, I feel like a complete fat failure. It's like I'm in a no-win situation - not a real - no win situation, but one that exists only in my mind.
So, in recognizing this I also realize I can't have it both ways. I can't be hard core driven and disciplined in my eating and exercise and be casual about what I eat and my exercise at the same time.
What choice can I make that will bring me the most happiness? Can I live with being thicker and running slower or do I want to return to the days of running 40 miles a week and refusing dessert every single time it's offered?
What is my goal?